Greys...and Abstract Revelations

Let me take this opportunity, on this auspicious saturday night, with the sound of moving vehicles filling my ears, and snoring sounds echoing in empty spaces of this huge house...as the clouds engulf the stars with their ethereal greyness, and the winds beckon to the drizzle to join them on their mysterious odyssey...as the sole glowing lamp in this household seemingly blinks at intervals, and as the massive typing of keys dwells in pride for being the only sound that teases the silence...as the air emanating from the sinusoidal breathing of 4 mortals in their blissful state of slumber (and 1 (im)mortal) stirs all stillness and the chill finds comfort on carpets and beds, blankets and spreads...as one mind wanders into non-existent, unlikely, untrodden land and and one heart hesitantly reaches out to a presently unattainable mist of peace...as a pair of eyes long to look beyond that opening in the clouds and a premature thought tricks the mind into fabricating neverland, to chance upon paradise lost...as a face with closed eyes remains half raised towards the open skies awaiting the return of the breeze and as a pair of ears mildly sense the melancholies of promises (un)made..songs (un)sung...whispers (un)said...

To (finally) tell you that... Life, is Beautiful. Life is simple and complex. Life is hazy and clear. Life is definite and ambiguous. Life is true and fake. Life is Treble and Bass. Life is ruthless and giving. Life is real and surreal. Life is a loss and a fairytale. Life is demanding and magnanimous. Life is separation and confluence...Life is confluence... Life is black and white....

But its not... Life... is Grey. The Grey...most prominent, seeming almost permanent. But... its beautiful nonetheless.

A large part of this post goes out to the part of my mind that has been travelling to places unrealised with Confluence of Elements, by Bombay Jaishree. An album so rightly named. Confluence of elements...an element... so abstract. Its true. The album would be a confluence of different things to different people... to me, its just so many things i can't even define. It just seems to bring the whole world in a swirl, making you feel like you're witnessing some kind of dance of life...a slow dance...in perfect harmony with everything...with yourself... waltzing away into the inner core of your being...pleasantly. Beautifully.

Niv said "her voice sounds like dew drops in the morning"... Jess said "She's something else. Her voice has this magic tinge"... so true. One feels utterly hypnotised. In a trance... brought upon by an immensely soulful voice. She sings every song like she means those words to the last syllable, and makes you feel like melting-butter...like what you heard just made you feel slightly less solid...left you slightly less composed...triggered your conscience in an inexplicable way...gave you a combined feeling of tranquility and being-messed-up-in-the-head at the same time...just drove you through your maze, and helped you get out of it...just threw on your heart this invisible blanket of joy and sorrow that makes you want to cry...just swallowed you into itself...like you lost yourself, to the unknown, and you wish it'll never revert back... just inspired you, like never before. Never before...

To Jayashree Ramanathan. Thankyou...for this album...for being the light at the end of the tunnel...for being the rainbow and the pot of gold at the end of it...for being sanity...for being ultimate glowing etherial-ness...for being the realm of almost-reachable liberation...

Mokshamu galada... bhuvilo jeevan muktulu...kani varuluku

Irakkam...varaamal ponadh-enna kaaranam?

Saramathi. Behag. Kaapi.

Yours "Purandhara...vitalana..." ly
Signing off...

Upasana Arattais

Upasana. I associate the word with so many things, its difficult to point a finger at one thing. Maybe I could say it was truly...home. I don't think I've felt more at home anywhere else. And I'm not sure when I'll feel so at home again. Sometimes I wonder what makes it so special... wonder why I felt such a strong belonging, considering the fact that my parents weren't always around... maybe it is because I know that I spent some of the best years of my life there...learnt...grew...evolved as a person...the person I am today...shaped by all the happiness...the laughter...the tears.

But more than that, I think its other small things that tied me to it, and make me yearn for it even today. Ginger-tea evenings, Suriya sweets Vazhakai-bhajji, random conversations with the periya-meesai watchman and the lady who swept the place, sunsets from the terrace, sunday afternoon naps, pep-talks and not-so-pep-talks with so many friends, marathon watching Friends and House M.D., the gulmohar...

But even more than all of that... the arattai sessions! The people... the activity (which was sometimes immensely annoying!), someone forever walking in and out of that door, the door-bell ringing every other minute, the telephone yelling for attention, the television blaring with kolangal music, Paati arguing with Raniamma about drying the clothes when she's doing her 'madi' samayal (!), cable-kaaran paal-kaari wanting money all the time (sort of reminding you that its the beginning of a new month!), a mixture of loud carnatic music and Rahman's beats (and mostly, with the TV yelling as well!), the smell of rasam and kothamalli thogayal... and the sound of people talking. Maamis and aunties, mamas... thatha paati amma... Karthik and Visu. And during 'season' Chitti, Sanjana, Sandhya...

The dining table of that house would be the most entertained being in the world! So enriched with gossip and drama, and once in a while, serious talk, sensible talk ;) Every evening over tea and biscuits (AND thattai, murukku and other norukku!), every night - all the dinner discussions and even other times of the day, random talk! My memory stretched back to the one year my brother stayed in that house, and the million conversations thatha had with him and Karthik on what sort of girls are 'ok' to fall in love with, him justifying his caste specifications with vegetarianism! Each person's legs getting pulled in turns... on to college gossip that Kar and me shared over dinner religiously, each time taking the conversation into the airconditoned room and continuing through the night (or some other philo topic, or otherwise, mosre frequently, on realtionships!) And then Visu filling me in with all the ridiculous happenings of his college, and bringing me up to date with the latest crap-lingo with short forms and long forms! Sigh...

And then there were the numerous conversations with amma, on so many issues! Chopping veggies with her, listening to her complain about my dressing sense (Aal paadhi, aadai paadhi!)...and with Paati, about the future (her kollu perans and pethis!), and the past - her Madurai life...with thatha...on books (repeated discussions about the same part of the same book so many times!), music , and his good old days as an auditor (and the fantastic food he ate - Oru dosai, oru kaapi!)...with Raniamma, about how I should get married ASAP!

Well I guess the good part about Nostaligia is re-living those moments...and putting up posts like this to remember things years down the lane... I know things can never be the same at Upasana... painful as it is to realise, we have indeed grown up. We live in, as my paati would put it "yedhedho moolai"s (corners) of the world, and meeting each other becomes celebration... We thankfully have enough good memories to last a lifetime... to make us smile whenever we think back at those days... when i walk into that house again, I'm sure I'll hear echoes...of laughter, of happiness...of a time that was so beautiful, I'd give anything to have it back again...

Flat No.8, Upasana
Old No.48, New No. 64,
Ist Main road, R.A.Puram
Chennai - 600 028

Yours "Ninaivugal...yendrendrum" ly
Signing off...

Anubhavam. Moksham. Delirium.

Connected, yet so disconnected. Woven in the same web...yet, each an individual strand. Anubhavam, Moksham, Delirium. Three words that have held my interest for way too long now.

This is not the first time this blog claims a mention of my carnatic music classes. Its weird how things change so much with time. Songs that you listened to in passing years back, suddenly seem to hold so much significance...it all depends on what you relate to at different phases of life, doesn't it? I've been learning carnatic music for so many years now..it's been so on and off, i can't even figure out how many years. Maybe 10. But 5, for sure. And now, at this point in life, when I'm no longer on my 3-days-a-week-1.5hours-each classes schedule, is when the beauty of this art has dawned upon my being, entirely. My grandfather would be proud to know that I am now capable of losing myself to this floaty, yet so profound force...and find ultimate solace in it. Satisfaction inexplicable...forgetting the rest of the world...forgetting oneself...being lost in the myriad of feelings something abstract imparts...something that one probably doesn't understand...something that can make its way into the depths of one's psyche with a single variation in tune...something that ultimately pulls you into it so intensely that you feel strangely drunk with it...your head so full of it, that it throbs. And stays. Drunken...with tranquility...with music...with faith...with the mystic force - a divine combination of liberation and surrender...Moksham. Bombay Jaishree's Anubhavam.

Anubhavam. The story comes back a full circle. I have very faint memories of 'Anubhavam' being listened to by my mother over and over again at home in Kenya... the Ngong house... the days when I attended music classes for the sole reason that I was forced to do so...the days I was the stubborn teenager, who even for a minute, wouldn't consider her mother's requests to learn one song and sing it for her. It took me a good 7 years to find that particular memory in my sea of thoughts, and finally comply with my mother's request from years ago... It was the first time I walked up to my music teacher with a song, its lyrics, and said that I want to learn that song, at any cost. And then waited...patiently...for the process to take shape. I don't think I 'felt' any other song more when i was learning it...and when i was convinced that the song was polished enough in my head for my mother to hear it, I recorded it...for the fear of choking if I sang it to her in person... Mother's day, 2007. Bhavayami Gopalabalan. A part of Bombay Jaishree's Anubhavam. Amma's favourite song. It became my prayer. It still is. My prayer. My strength. My tears. My solace.

I never really stopped singing it since the time I learnt it. But rediscovering it in this album...made me dream of amma and me sitting at the dining table at the Ngong house, chopping vegetables, this time, both of us lost in Bhavayami,instead of her alone... I've promised myself I'll make a trip to Kenya just for this...Just to look at her face when she's drowned in the depths of Yamuna-Kalyani...and know exactly what she's going through. Listening to my Brother sing it recently was a differnt experience altogeher...Its like some unfathomable force of nature bound our family to the song... Bhavayami... like the song was destined to change my life in more ways than one.

I've been going through a deliriously intense period with this music. Something at a higher level than addiction... Delirium. Two very different things claim the 'Delirium' tag at this point of time... Carnatic music and...Science. This insane compulsion to keep working even if you feel like it could kill you. This perpetual feeing that you're at the brink of a discovery, even if you aren't...the curiosity...the crazy hours...the brain-storms...the passion... Biology. Science. Bliss. Working with science at its roots.

Jantabhayaga vinu, Ventaramani vedu konti Bhadragiri Ramadaasa poshaka...

Happy Green Ball. PQR.

Yours "Niratha kara kalitha Navaneetham..." ly
Signing off....

Light... Sun-like

Fluorescent green floors. Green was always her favourite colour. But she still thought the green quite an overdose when she first saw it. But not till today did the crazy beauty of it dawn upon her. She walked up the stairs to get some fresh air, and a little happiness too maybe, from the gallery...open to sky. The gallery of white tables and chairs...of sliding doors and lovely views...the sky and the buildings, the roads and the rain...the gallery of nostalgia, of things that never happened...of things that may or may not happen...of sweet ginger tea...of conversation that would make her laugh, no end. She climbed up the stairs thinking of it all...walking in the darkness...thinking that maybe, the darkness would add to the magic. Just like music does...and then, out of nowhere, a spotlight came on...exactly where her right foot touched the last stair. Gradually, dim yellow lights fell on the fluorescent green...like it was the spark, the stimulus...like a nerve signal...she thought of the irony...the lights led her as she walked... the whole level acknowledging her presence...welcoming her with the light... this wasn't real. This was science fiction. She was in a movie...Like the sun rays were guiding her path...looking around at the empty floor, beautifully lit up, just for her. And then she saw it... the gallery...wet, graced with the rain...keeping people out. She slid the door open, and let the wind blow on her face... More lights...the gallery lit up... dim yellow lights... she walked to the edge of the gallery, the rain drops falling on her... the wet road and the smoke from a building... the music... vidai kodu, pogiren...eeramai vazhgiren.... she smiled. Perhaps the lights were better than the darkness would have been? It was surreal... she walked back into the building, expecting the lights to go out as she walked down the stairs. They didn't. They remained lit. She liked to think of some sort of significance...she wondered if she could have that effect on the people she knew. Walk out, and leave things bright...lit up... atleast for a while. She would never really know. She hoped... don't we all?

The Queensland Brain Institute. Level 7.

The last few days have been lovely. Sometimes you realise that all you really want is to be loved, and to be happy. And when that happiness comes out of making other people happy, its even better. Its divine satisfaction. And of course, having your own desk, Mac computer and a huge pin-up board does add to it too :) Even though that package comes with hours of working with microscopic worms! One can't ask for everything after all!

Silent prayers. Make this last.

Yours "seemingly precious moments..."ly
signing off...

Longing...and Belonging...

Old age is catching on. Or so I feel! I guess Its just the sudden overwhelming heap of responsibilities that are unexpectedly thrust upon you! I spent over an hour shopping the other day. Aah, now you'll think "Girls! Them, and their shopping!"... Nope, it was one hour (or more) of grocery shopping! And frankly, i've never felt more satisfied after a shopping session! In a way, its lousy, because I know that I spent so much time buying tomatoes and apples and tea because of the price reductions, as a result of which alot of comparisons and careful selection had to be done! But in a way, it felt good. Its learning, and growing, in a totally different way. Its moving from buying a packet of tomatoes randomly without caring how much it costs, to looking at all the different varieties of fresh tomatoes, and finally picking the canned tomatoes because they're cheaper, and last longer! See what i mean? I feel like I've aged 5 years in the past 2 months!

Its also falling prey to Murphy's law more than ever. I don't know if I learnt anything from my Murphy incident, but I do know that I ought to have! So I'll try to write this in the shortest way possible. Situation: Div's mobile has zero balance. She can't make calls. She's been wanting to recharge for the past 3 days, but she hasn't had the time! Additionally, Div has exactly 45 cents in her wallet because she hasn't had time (err, or has just been too lazy!) to walk up to the ATM and draw money. Moving on from the minor details, she's been up the whole night in the uni working on an assignment. She takes the first bus in the morning back home at 6.30am, hoping to catch some sleep before her 9.00am lab. She reaches home at 6.45, just to find that the outside mesh-door, which is never locked (and to which she doesn't have keys), is locked. She knows her house-mates would be asleep. She knocks, they cant hear her (there are no door bells in brisbane!). She doesn't have balance to call their cell phones and tell them to open the door. She can't call from a public booth because she has exactly 45 cents in her wallet (and a call from the booth costs 50 cents!). Classic murphy situation! What does she do? She walks up to a 24 hour store a few minutes from her house, and uses her debit card to recharge. She then yells at the recorded message on the phone-network because the goddam thing is not recharging! After finally recharging, she calls roomie 1's cell. No answer. She calls roomie 2's cell. Finally, she picks up! And the outside-door-that-is-never-locked is opened! Div walks into the house, and is just too angry to sleep! Roomie 2 says she didn't lock the outside door, roomie 1 says she didn't lock the outside door. Sleep seems like a more welcome option than listening to 2 people, 1 of whom definitely locked the door (unless one believes in ghosts!), saying they didn't do it. She goes to bed, cursing herself for everything that went wrong, cursing herself for not listening to her mother's "RECHARGE!" cries!

Maybe it could have been worse. Maybe my house could have been in some place where there's no 24 hour store in 5 mins walking distance! Maybe the store could have been one that didnt have recharge cards, or didn't accept debit cards! But I think it was bad enough! Having to put up with so much crap after a sleepless night! Well, life :)

So... as a tribute to all those things and people I'm missing terribly here...

Dear Raniamma - I wash the vessels and clothes, brush the carpet and scrub the stove! You'd be proud of me! Miss u :)

Dear Mom - I'm waiting for the day my food will taste as good as yours...

Dear Pop - I'm realising the value of your hard-earned money...

Dear Kar - You made me cry the first time I was chatting with you after coming to brisbane. Felt good, because i was wondering whether my tear glands had dried up! You have no idea what our converations do to me :)

Dear Vis - I wish we could snuggle up in my bed and watch house on Iris! Miss your hugs and thumb-fights!

Dear Lav - I'd give anything to just have the kind of conversations we have...just once...by the brisbane river...

Dear Nid - I wish your aircel scheme worked for aus too! Everytime i need to make a decision, I hope like crazy that you'd just appear and whisk me away to aunty's shop for corn florentine and a pep talk!

Dear Nit - You're walking beside me each time i'm holding a camera and clicking something absolutely gorgeous...

Dear shrut - I saw a Capt.Jack Sparrow poster in a store here and knew you'd love it. Waiting for the day we'll get crazy again!

Dear Nik - Your "GO HOME NOW" msg the other day did wonders to lift my spirits, even though i spent the whole night in uni! Your msgs somehow have almost always had perfect timing... :)

Dear Nil - Beer's cheaper here than water. Always reminds me of you!

Dear Bharat - I'm probably going through what you went through 4 years back, and I salute you, for living through it when you were much younger than I am now. Do i need to mention the smoke alarm again? ;)

Dear Suk - You're a smart kid...wish you were my sister :) At this point of time I just feel like saying - You're like no one else I know. Don't let petty things break your heart. You're destined for big things in life... you're going to go places.

Dear Jess - I miss your wise-cracks. We should have spent more time together...cracking up and laughing for the silliest of things. We should... sometime in life...

Dear Sand - The signal pathway in my body that usually gets activated and makes me whacky when you're around is currently dormant, or dead. It's up to you to revive it!

Dear Nanya - I was petting a dog here 3 days back. One of those absolutely rare things in my life... thought yoou'd like to know :)

The list could continue... and be endless...but i stop here. Additionally though...

To all those people who chat with me on a daily basis - You have no idea what a difference it makes.

To music - Thanks, for helping me savour the alone-ness, the loneliness...

Finally...

Dear Nivetha - Thanks for giving me hope :) I know now that I can spend the rest of my time here with more laughter and fun and reason than I thought in the beginning :)

Yours " Ajeeb Dastaan hai yeh, kahaan shuru kahaan khatam..."ly
Signing off...

Oopsie Daisies!

We've been having a laugh over small things... I can't exactly say its fun, but i make it a point to laugh my heart out even though the incident wouldn't really call for such a laugh! I guess i'm just trying to inculcate the craziness into the people living with me! Evidently, i haven't been too successful. Anyway, here's a list of the things that brought out a loud loud laugh, or maybe just a smile -

- Cooking day. I told my roomie to grind 4 tomatoes for sabzi. 5 mins later, she declares that something's wrong with the mixie, because the tomatoes aren't liquid yet. Tearing my attention from the onion-chopping, with eyes filled with tears, I turned to her wondering how the hell a brand new mixie could get damaged! And then the bulb came on.., "did u chop the tomatoes?" aah, the golden words were spoken! She realised she'd chucked 4 FULL tomatoes into the mixie! It would take some giant blade to grind that!

- Cooking day again. I'm frying the onions, roomie 1 is cutting veggies, roomie 2 walks in. She opens the tap. The tap comes off! And the water's dripping non-stop! And there was quite a racket before getting the water to stop! Well, we did get the water to stop, but there's still a gaping hole where the tap used to be! The plumber should have fixed by this time today!

- Cooking day again!! The Upma is cooking, and the stove's getting reallly hot! We turn it off, but its still red hot! Aah, the knob's not working! Another half-hour spent on turning the knob clockwise and anticlockwise before the red finally starts fading! We stopped using that particular coil! Sad thing, it was the biggest and the best :( Result? We finished cooking at 12.30 in the night!

- Smoke alarm. The smoke alarm is the maharaja of the house, and we the servants! Each time it comes on, and i stand on a chair and fan it with a newspaper, i can only think of the rajas and the elephant-ear-sized-zari-bordered fans that were used to fan them! Sigh! And of course, i say "tsb, now i know what the hell you meant!" ;)
- When i go to sleep each night, i seem to be thinking of groceries! Do we need to buy milk tomorrow? Are there enough tomatoes and potatoes? Do we need to heat the old rice before eating the fresh rice? Sheesh! I'm sick of it! Someone please convert me back to the person i was! OR, get me a husabnd ;) I'm a full time housewife, part time student, i'm sure i deserve a husaband! Atleast then i wouldn't have to worry about the broken tap and the dripping shower and the milk buying and rent paying and smoke alarm ringing! And no, i do not want to marry a mesthri or contractor! *sneak attack*

- I slept without a sweater one night. It rained the whole goddam day, the day after that! The heavens are spying on me! And i did not have an umbrella! I went back to wearing my sweater. Why cause inconvenience to innocent citizens? :)

- I was so engrossed in staring at the misty windows of the bus that i missed my stop! Of course i promptly got off at the next one and ran back home in the rain! Oh yeah, it was that same long rainy day!

- My high point of the day was the free mars bar that a prof gave out at the end of his lecture (he earlier went around throwing them at different people, apparently explaining a mechanism! And obviously, he didn't think my poor head could bear the weight of the mars bar hitting it, so he didn't throw me one! So we promptly lined up infront of him after the class, and snatched our bars away! Ha!). But then, my high point just changed... my mother just told me that my grand dad told her that my grandparents talk about me on their daily evening walk. Aaah, what bliss :) To be remembered!

Ok, i gotto run to catch the bus!

Yours "Its like writing, and if your can't write, we can never get down to discussing what's written" ly
Signing offf.....

Grey

I just visited a few blogs i usually read, and realised they're not updated either! So i guess we're back to that phase in blog land where people are just too busy, or too bored, to update. I don't have anything in particular either, as always! But hell, dead blogs aren't nice :(

Nothing seems significant enough to go up on the blog! I know i shouldn't be saying this, because my blog title boasts of acknowledging insignificance! I don't know why I don't feel like writing about this beautiful, huge campus, the lovely walks, the river, the fireworks, the swipe cards, or Brisbane as such! Nothing seems to impress! Its not a nice feeling, when nothing is good enough to take your breath away... Its like, your 'expectation meter' suddenly shot up sky high! Maybe there will come a time when excitement will dawn upon this being, and my dark eye will notice the brighter side of things. I'll wait for that day! I swear, if any of you visit me sometime now, I'd be the happiest person on earth ;) and i'd do anything for u! Lol...

Its pretty amazing to realise the value of good company... there were a bunch of people who were always around, who understood every goddam thing you said, and enjoyed the same things you did... and suddenly, the rivers and the blue skies aren't lovely anymore because the people are missing. And even music can't work its charm on you and make your eyes appreciate beauty. A lovely star-lit night with a light breeze and the perfect music playing in your ears, doesn't bring tears to your eyes. You're in constant search of something, that is most likely, non-existent in the near future. You smile so much at strangers, not so much at non-strangers. You see the most beautiful sunset from the 6th level of an amazing building, an empty level with fluorescent green floors, and you're rooted to the spot for a moment... staring at the incredibly straight rays that emanate from a bush of light in all its yellow-ness...and you want that scene to play before your eyes everyday. Will that happen?

So is this all about belonging?

Yours" Well, it does feel pretty cool to swipe cards to enter buildings!"ly
signing off...